Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Gods Must Be Fake

As if the personalities, genders, portfolios, and names of gods shifting from region to region weren't enough, the nature of divine magic has made it particularly difficult for mortals to determine which gods being worshiped are even real in the first place.

Divine magic is the magic of the Astral Sea, its users tapping into the unlimited potential of dreams and bringing that energy into the material world. Many believe that without being sponsored by a god, mortals cannot bridge the gap between the material and astral and are unable to cast these spells. The headache begins when one considers that even a lowly fey can grant divine spells to a mortal. It gets worse: Mortals who have especially faithful, dream-like, or simply air-headed personalities don't need any sponsorship at all to cast their divine spells.

As a result, even the worshipers of false gods can cast spells. The following is a list of particularly popular or influential cults in Cerenbaun society that are based around gods who have never even existed.

Brevvis - The God of Bureaucracy - Unlike many other gods who do not really exist, Brevvis began as an intentional scam. Brevvis' followers must fill out prayer request forms in triplicate and then wait 7-10 business days for processing. Once the waiting period has expired, the prayer-ee will be inconveniently contacted by a servant fey with a memory stone to do a scripted recording of the prayer. The prayer-ee must then wait another 3-5 business days for further processing of the prayer request, at which time the prayer-ee will be sent a letter containing a platitude to address the prayer. Cash on Delivery. The prayer-ee will also receive a mandatory prayer registration and satisfaction form letter that must be filled out or the prayer-ee will be reminded to fill it out by a servant fey every day at 4 AM (also COD). The prayer-ee is also signed up for the Brevvis mailing list that includes singing telegrams, ideas for new prayers, suggestions for old prayers, and general thoughts on Brevvis' generosity. If one wishes to cancel this service one must send a prayer cancellation letter that includes every platitude received during the service and all copies made of such platitudes. The prayer-ee must then make a journey at their own expense to the central Brevvis temple for memory altering in order to remove the platitudes from their minds. Note: Memory alteration does not actually work. Brevvis' clergy is actually a large group of shape shifting fairies and grassrunners who visited the hell of Bureaucracy and found themselves inspired for the greatest prank ever.

Uilitro - A myth perpetrated by an especially mischievous fairy, Uilitro is the god of humor. Like the fairy who created his legend, he is thought of as a very mischievous figure, though not subtle. One of his trademark actions is the "Pie to the face blitz," which is often repeated by youths who especially idolize this deity. Perhaps the most humorous part of this false deity is how popular he became, and how he developed his own throng of very faithful followers.

Sueiffa - Goddess of Dustbunnies - No one is sure how this mythical goddess first became worshiped, but she is a favorite for the more cuddly death cults. It is said that every ten millennia, she summons a monstrous storm of dust that buries everything, threatening to destroy the world.

However, because it's only dust and blows away easily, her followers can easily explain how none of her attempts have ever succeeded. Sueiffa's cultists are loved for dusting other peoples' homes for free, collecting the dust for their temples. The more overzealous members have been known to break into exceptionally dirty homes at night, tie up the residents, clean everything, and then leave.

Ectias and Bom - Gods of Destruction - The followers of Ectias and Bom are always at odds, because both of their gods have identical portfolios. The two cults are constantly playing a game of oneupmanship, trying to prove that they are the better followers, and by extension, they have the better god. This makes them very dangerous, because their gods just happen to enjoy big booms. Members of these two cults are constantly hunted, yet the dogma of their gods proves to be a very popular one, and there is never a shortage of new converts. Fireworks were their invention.

Tubus - God of Lost Socks - In the town of Spain in the Shanbar Province, there is this god who is almost unanimously worshiped. It is common knowledge in mystic circles that the town, for the past 300 years, has been tormented by a particularly playful feline spirit animal who steals all the socks left out to dry. The inhabitants of this town refuse to believe this information however, and instead worship Tubus for the sake of lost socks everywhere. The spirit animal in the meantime has used the socks to build a massive ball of yarn in the woods that has become a local "holy" monument.

No comments: